Letting Go of You- FAGE6
by Frankielynn
Summary: What did I want to happen, what was I hoping confessing my sin to my husband would bring me? Was I trying to get my repentance? Hoping he would forgive and forget, we move on? Or get angry, leave me? I'm still not sure even now if what I got from my confession was what I wanted. What you want and what you get is rarely the same thing, best to learn that lesson young. My FAGE 6 O/S


**FAGE Six Pack**

**Title: Letting Go Of You**

**Written for: Lost-in-twific**

**Written By: Frankielynn**

**Rating: T**

**Summary:****What did I want to happen, what was I hoping confessing my sin to my husband would bring me? Was I trying to get my repentance? Hoping he would forgive and forget, we move on? Or get angry, leave me? I'm still not sure even now if what I got from my confession was what I wanted. What you want and what you get is rarely the same thing, best to learn that lesson young****.**

**Prompt used: w w w . poemhunter poem / a-lemon /**

w w w . youtube watch?v=LRAp-PiQV9A

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**I knew the minute his hand touched mine I needed to turn around. To say thanks for the compliment, but I'm married. So why didn't I? Why did I let him take my hand and lead me to his car, his house, his bedroom... my heart?**

**It started as something just for me, my own little vacation in the middle of the week. Somewhere I wasn't dealing with bills, and kids, and … life. Edward was perfect. He didn't care that I had jelly in my hair, or that my shoes didn't match. He never asked what I was doing for dinner, or if the light bill was in the mail.**

**I told myself after almost ten years of living a dedicated life for someone else, I needed a little selfishness. That's when I met him. I guess I wanted to know what it would feel like to let another man touch me, to love me. As soon as his hands smoothed over my breasts I knew I would never be the same, I was addicted. After that the line in the sand was not only crossed, it was obliterated.**

**Did I regret it? That was a tricky question. Part of me felt bad for betraying my life and causing him to do the same. The other part was too hooked on the thrill of him to care about the damage it was causing. The drive back to my house somehow always brought on the guilt. We both knew what would happen if we ever got caught, though I guess neither one of us cared…not then at least. Looking back on it now, there was very little I would change about my time with him. He gave me so much more than I lost.**

**Even now, as I sit at the window watching my husband load our kids into the car for school, the pang hits. Some days it's a pang of guilt. How could I do this to someone who loves me this much? Other days... other days the guilt is for leaving him, for giving him up, for loving the feelings time with him gave me, for loving him more than my husband.**

**My husband was a good man; honest, faithful... handsome, a wonderful father. Everything I had ever wanted or needed. But then again so was Edward. I read somewhere that the heart is built to love more than one person. Or maybe I was trying to justify a selfish decision with a bad excuse. Either way, it was too late now.**

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"_**Excuse me, Miss. I think you dropped this" His hand felt warm on my bare shoulder as he stops me from moving away... I have to pause the thoughts flooding my head as the warmth slowly fades and he hands me the dropped list.**_

"_**Thank you, I'm so forgetful these days." I collect the shopping list from his hand, stuffing it back into my purse. I would remember way too late that I never had a shopping list with me that day.**_

"_**Don't take this the wrong way, but what could a woman as beautiful as you possibly have on her mind to cause her to be so forgetful about things?" He flashes an honest smile, the way it dimples his cheeks reminds me of a little boy, not the man that stands before me, with teases of gray hair.**_

"_**Oh, you have no idea..."I try to smile back, but the honesty in mine doesn't match his. Or so it feels to me.**_

"_**I'm Edward."**_

"_**Uh...Bella. Like I said, Edward, you have no idea." The blush must have come on fast, as Edward yet again placed his hand on my shoulder in an effort to comfort me.**_

"_**I'm sure I don't. I do, however, understand all about stress." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the second piece of paper that day that would be the start to my undoing. "If you ever want an escape from...whatever... give that number a call, we can meet for coffee or lunch. I'm told I'm a good listener."**_

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**Here's where I'd love to say after it ended... the affair... I tossed that little business card away, along with all the reminders I had of him. But, no, as hard as I tried, I couldn't sever that first memory from my life. I couldn't give up all of him, even as I gave up a part of myself.**

**For better or for worse, I had made my choice. Now I had to live with it.**

**I fold my secret life back into its hiding place just as my husband's car pulls into our driveway. I can't stop myself from smiling at the sight I see in front of me. My husband unloads our kids from the car, taking special care to gently unbuckle the youngest baby doll from her car seat.**

**The key turns in the lock, and with a "We're home!" and a kiss on the cheek, my life is back to normal. My day dreams of the past and Edward slip away, and my faithful and loving wife role returns. I play this part better than any actress on stage. My lines are safely over practiced, and to no one but my own ears, still sound forced.**

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"_**Uh... Hello... Ed...Edward? It's Bella, I was just wondering if your offer for coffee or lunch still stood? I'm going to be in town all day today doing stuff for the kids, and could use the company. Um... so call me back, bye." I let out a heavy breath as I hung up the phone. It was just a lunch date with a friend. A...lunch...date...with a male friend. I could handle this, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was starting the second round of my pep talk when the phone, still in my hand, rang.**_

"_**Hello?" I felt the guilty blush start to spread even at the sound of him breathing on the other end of the phone. .Wrong.**_

"_**Hey, Bella. It's Edward, I just got your message, you're in luck. My meeting got canceled today so I'm free, say 11:30-noon-ish?" His voice was so calmed, practiced. I never actually thought to ask him then if he made a habit of seducing married women into his bed. I'd like to think, judging by the way he was with me, that he hadn't. But really, who was I to talk?**_

"_**Yeah...uh...noon-ish works for me. There's an Internet Cafe right by my daughter's dance class. We could meet there."**_

"_**Perfect, I'll see you there. And Bella, I'm glad you called." I hung up the phone for the second time that day feeling a melding of emotions, none of which were powerful enough to stop me from meeting Edward at that cafe.**_

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**Help the kids with their homework, get dinner on the table by six, make friendly conversation with my husband about our days, final proofread over homework and get the kids in bed. Settle in on the couch with my husband as he reads the paper and I pretend to read my John Grisham novel until bed. After that we climb into bed for another night of routine sex; a hand robotically placed on my breasts, a kiss to the lips, followed by a few rough strokes as he enters me, all while I lie there thinking of softer touches and hungered kisses from someone else, and then it's over.**

**We kiss goodnight and turn out the lights. Sleep comes easy for my husband happy and spent from making love to me. I toss and turn for a while as I listen to him softly snore, before setting the alarm on my phone to be back in our bed before he gets up in the morning, and heading to get what little sleep I still can on the couch.**

**It's not that I don't love my husband; more that my love has for him has changed. What use to be a foolish need and craving for him, has slowly become a slow burn of controlled indifference. I no longer count seconds until his next touch, but fight the urge to flinch away from it instead.**

**I would love to place the blame on Edward, for ruining me, or my husband for not seeing the signs of something being amiss and wrong in my behavior, but the fault lies only in me. For making that phone call, for letting my husband believe my lie, for everything.**

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_**His hand feels like fire settling over my beating heart. I try to relax and feel the moment as he asked me to do, but the constant laundry list of tasks I'm not doing repeat in demand in my head. I forgot to pick up Riley's dry cleaning before they closed. I still have to make costumes for the kids school play.**_

"_**You're not relaxing, Bella." A finger trembles over my breast, waiting to be allowed to touch. A small nod of my head and it lowers onto me, gentle strokes so light I almost don't feel them.**_

"_**I'm trying to, Edward. I've never been with anyone but my husband before."**_

"_**Ever?"**_

"_**Ever. Riley was my high school sweetheart, we even waited until we were married to be each other's firsts." I search Edward's face for a sign my confession may have upset him, but if it ever did he hid it well. His hand never even faltered on my skin.**_

"_**True romance of that nature is rare in this day and age. Your husband is a lucky man."**_

"_**I think it was me that got lucky."**_

"_**That too... may I?" He leans forward to unhook the clasp on my bra. It falls slowly down my chest, revealing my breasts to him only a few inches at a time. I let a nervous giggle bubble forward and take it off the rest of the way.**_

_**Laying before him...a man not my husband completely naked, my last rebel thought of regret passes. I'm in this now, exposed and ready. He slides himself over me gently as to not startle me. Edward's hand rests firmly at my entrance. I wait feeling as he slides his fingers in and out of me, testing his limits. I have none now, not to him. There's no rush or hurry in his touch, his fingers move steady and sure, like a knight with his sword.**_

_**He enters me in one move, slowing only to move his hands to rest at my face, stroking my hair and face as he sets a slow pace.**_

_**It feels like hours and minutes all at the same time as I come undone for him. He watches my faces, his pleasure found in giving me my release before he ever takes his own.**_

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"**Bellasweetheart, come back to bed. It's a Saturday. I want to be lazy with my wife." Taking his hand and following him up the stairs that long buried pang of guilt hits. The feeling I'm not where I belong, I'm missing out on all that could have been... if only.**

**I kiss my husband, hoping to push all my emotions from me into him. "I love you, Riley. I'm so glad you're my husband. I wouldn't want anyone else."**

"**I love you, Bella. You're the best wife a man gets in this world." I let my fingers lock with his. I want this moment, with this man, forever. To seal it nice and tight into my mind, save it for those lonely rainy days I'm sure will follow.**

"**Bella?" I feel his eyes trying to search my face, I hold my gaze at the wall until I feel him look away... giving up on finding the answer without my words.**

"**Riley, why did you pick me? Of all the girls you could have had, why did you want me? Why do you still want me? And don't say 'because I love you'."**

"**I wasn't going to say that. Because you got me, you understood my jokes. Even the really bad ones, you still laughed, or maybe you were just laughing at me, I didn't care. I loved that you always spoke your mind, you never backed down from a fight even if you knew you were wrong." His grip on my hand tightens as if he already knows the reason I'm asking.**

"**Is that your full answer, because I laughed at your jokes and got into a lot of fights?" I pushed back a few betraying tears. If I was going to do this, I was doing it without emotion. It would only lead to more regret.**

"**Bella, honey, that's not really what I meant. I..."**

"**Then what did you mean, I need to know."**

"**I meant that you owned me, owned my heart from the first day I met you in 3****rd****grade. I couldn't see myself with anyone else because they weren't you. They wouldn't be you. .everything. You're my everything. I wouldn't change that, even if you made me."**

"**There's nothing I could do to make you hate me, leave me?"**

"**Never, Bella. Nothing you could ever tell me would change my mind. You're it for me, always."**

**I choke back more straying tears and dive in, head first into the deep end. "What if I told you I had an affair, that I fell in love with him, that I didn't … want this?" I wave my free hand in between us, "you... anymore?"**

"**Bella... It wouldn't... it doesn't matter."**

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_**I feel his eyes watch me as I get dressed. The feeling in the room is too heavy for the love that was just shared between us. I feel the fight inside myself to go back, crawl in beside him and forget my words were ever said.**_

"_**You're sure on this, Bella? You can't come back and change your mind."**_

"_**I know. I'm sure. I love my husband. That's the life I chose, it's where I need to be."**_

"_**It's were you need to be, but is it where you want to be, Bella?" He never moved from his spot on the bed, always confident he would get me to change my mind.**_

"_**That part doesn't matter. What matters is that I be there, do what I have to do."**_

"_**Ok." With those final words of parting, I got in my car. I left Edward, naked and listening to the rain hit angry on his roof.**_

_**I waited until I was safely in my garage to answer him back, sure even now that he heard it still. "Ok. Goodbye, I love you, Edward."**_

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**What did I want to happen, what was I hoping confessing my sin to my husband would bring me? Was I trying to get my repentance? Hoping he would forgive and forget, we move on? Or get angry, leave me? I'm still not sure even now if what I got from my confession was what I wanted. What you want and what you get is rarely the same thing, best to learn that lesson young.**

**I hit my hand on the steering wheel as I wait for the kids to get out of school, spying my cell phone in the seat beside me. If I call now it decides this... thing... once and for all. If I wait, I'll never get the chance again.**

**Parking, I remove my hand from the wheel, reaching to grab at the phone. I toy with the buttons for the number I have burned into my head forever. Pushing the last digit, I listen for the first ring, instead I get the answering machine. It'll have to do.**

"**Hey, Edward... Listen... I'm sorry, I miss you... I just wanted to call and wish you congratulations, I read about your engagement in the paper. Actually...heh... my husband, Riley pointed it out to me. She looks lovely. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for everything... um... maybe... one day... uh... someday... we could do lunch, catch up. Bye."**

**I hang up just in time as I feel the lone tear wet my cheek. The loud rap to the window breaks my thoughts.**

"**Unlock the doors, Mom. We're ready to go home, Dad's waiting for us."**


End file.
